CPJournal #4

A Unicycle Built for Two

Perhaps there's no such thing
As forever eternal
Soul mate
True love
Perhaps relationships are just another ruse
Programmed defined and retailed
By the sugary fangs of Hallmark
And other complicit ad execs
Because we all know that it is far easier
To love someone when we don't have to
Live with them
Or if we do have to live with them
We all know that a private corner
Devoid of all human interaction is completely
Necessary and therefore impossible
Yeah having to live with the person
Who gives your tummy a tingle and your
Butterflies a stir
Is surely a curse
Because we soon find out the truth about steamy Hollywood
Shower scenes
At the very best they are a hilarious joke
In theory they sound as good as ice cream for dinner
In practice your partner hogs the side with the
Warm water leaving you shivering with your back against
The frigid tile wall
Then there's the toenail clippings in the living room
And the rough way your partner handles your records
On the turntable
Between the Arctic shower escapades,
Body parts scattered on the rug and skipping platter collection
Your private corner holy grail grows smaller and smaller
Until you find yourself bonking heads
In the bathroom fifty times a day
Sure brushing your teeth together is just fine
Except for the part about the one faucet, one sink, one mirror
And one tube of paste
Then maybe I wanna shave
Or it's time to take a seat with book
And ventilation fan hum
When the door suddenly swings open for a joyous domestic interview
Betwixt you (incapacitated) and partner (hovering):

I can't find the car keys
Uh well I obviously don't have 'em
Where did you last see them?
In the front door lock
When was that?
(grunt) Last night when I came home
Oh great…so you left the fucking keys in the door all night…again?
(longer grunt) Uh…I…uh guess…there's a strong possibility…yes
If they've been in the door all night I'm gonna kill you!
(lighter grunt) …
Damn it…yes…here they are…of course they were in the door…why do you do that?
(standing to view the handiwork) I dunno…I got a million things always stirring around…ya know?
Yeah I do know…a million things stirring around…and none of it concerns things that need to be done around here.
(wiping) Aw…jeez…yer not gonna start with that…c'mon…I took the trash out yesterday
Yeah after it sat on the kitchen floor for three days
(washing hands) I was busy…the sun was in my eyes…there was a rock in my shoe
Yeah and your brain was out to lunch…as usual
(drying hands on pant leg) I didn't have any money….my dog died
I've gotta go…I'm already running late…please load the dishwasher tonight…if you aren't too busy!
Partner exits via front door…making sure to close it briskly
(admiring self in bathroom mirror) The Dodgers moved to LA….I lost my ID in a flood…..